Tyrant Omakes!
by rumblestiltsken
Summary: Comedy side-stories for Tyrant, where absolutely nothing makes sense and a strange girl tries to make friends. Please read the first chapter for warnings and disclaimers ... and if you respect me as an author, probably stop reading. Seriously.
1. Chapter 1

TYRANT_OMAKES

**WARNINGS:**

1) These are a set of omakes (non-canonical side-story jokes) for my main story Tyrant, which is a cross-over of Worm and Warhammer 40,000. There are semi-spoilers, so if you somehow go here without reading that, go to my profile and read it first. It is at least 80% better than anything you will read here.

2) These omakes have been written in response to conversation at the SpaceBattles creative writing forums. There is context to be had if you need it. You probably need it, although I will try to fill you in as we go as to where each one fits in the story.

3) These things start totally bizarre and get progressively more incomprehensible. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

4) At the time of writing this note, there were four omakes written. I will post them progressively to fill the time in between now and mid-June 2014, when my life will return to normal programming.

5) Seriously. This stuff is weird. No opinions within belong to the author, everything is for laughs. Just don't expect to laugh. Or understand.

6) The laughs are predominantly of the "business gets wacky", "business gets meta" or "business gets _really_ wacky" varieties. No puns here. No situation comedy. No intelligent satire. Just silliness.

7) Femo-utopia. Lets make it happen, Sophia.

8) I don't own Worm or War40k. Read the first one for free online (seriously, it is amazing) by googling "worm parahuman". Play the second one if you have a spare thousand dollars and like the smell of plastic glue.


	2. Chapter 2

AN: First one here. This omake occurs after the events of Chapter 2.2, when Taylor has met the Wards. Especially Shadow Stalker. And her weird fascination with claws.

For some reason people started thinking I was shipping Taylor and Sophia. Like, seriously? Just because she was physiologically responding to claws? Girl just likes claws, is all.

Oh, and Vista turns the cute up to eleven.

The opening line was supplied by Biigoh, who writes Goblin Queen, which is a kickass Worm/Exalted crossover fic. Read it, for something different, and if you want to understand Omake!Taylor at all in the below snippet. Strictly NON-CANON.

* * *

**Omake One:**

**So, what's the deal with Shadow Stalker? **

**(or "Nid!Taylor breaks the 5th wall, channels Raksha!Taylor")**

* * *

"I'm sorry Shadow Stalker. You scare and frighten me. It's not you, it is me. I … I'm not a lesbian."

Sophia (apparently I had guessed she was Sophia, in the same way she guessed I was Taylor and I somehow knew she knew) went bright red in her costume, clearly visible despite her complete absence of exposed skin.

"That's not it!" she screamed. "I am just really really into claws! I don't know why!"

I shook my head sadly. Poor Shadow Stalker.

"You know why," I whispered throatily.

Her eyes widened in shock as she slumped to the ground, defeated.

Vista glanced back and forth between us adorably, like a puppy watching tennis.

"I don't know why!" she cried, stamping her foot on the ground like a playful foal. "Won't someone tell me why Stalker like claws so much?!"

I chuckled, deciding to take pity on her.

"Well, you see," I began, pausing for effect. Shadow Stalker collapsed further, knowing her secret was out.

"Shadow Stalker is actually no other than Shadow Stealer!" I yelled triumphantly, silhouetted by the setting sun.

Vista put on a serious expression, nodding with one hand under her chin like a Sherlockian snow macaque. "It just makes so much sense. So all those murderous monsters…?"

Sophia moaned. "It's true!" she wailed. "The aliens from intergalactic space were just projections of my latent feelings towards Taylor. And men."

Vista slapped her fist into her palm like a seal cub begging for treats. "Of course! Lung was the manliest man with the manliest power around, and he had to be taken out so you could recreate society as a utopian gynocracy!"

Shadow Stalker nodded, sniffling.

"Life is just so hard here, you know? I thought, some fresh perspective, less violence. Maybe we could all be happy."

I reached out my hand to Sophia, who glanced up at me in shock. Vista looked totally adorbs.

"Take my hand, Sophia," I shouted. "I may not be a lesbian, but that dream is something we can all believe in!"

And heart shaped screen wipe to black.


	3. Chapter 3

AN: So, here we are again. And you are still reading, for some reason.

I can't even begin to justify this. People were throwing wild guesses around, power levels were being compared, CuteNid pics were being posted (google it, it's worth it). Like most fanfiction discussions, potential time travel came up.

Anyway, this part takes place right after the wards reach the bank and Tattletale starts doing her "I know everything" bit. Oh, and SpaceBattles has this running joke the Browbeat is some sort of secret Ultimate Power, or something.

And Taylor still wants friends. Sigh. Always doing the wrong things for the right reasons, or something.

* * *

**Omake 2.5x **

**Why you shouldn't time travel while under the influence of brain fungus**

* * *

"So, Skitter, do you have anything to say for yourself?" Aegis thundered. He was seriously scary.

I shook my head. "It isn't my fault, not really. Even Tattletale says so!"

She nodded. "It's true. She isn't to blame. She didn't bring the monsters here ..."

She paused, paying careful attention to my body language. It almost felt nice, that someone was actually interested in me. I had been so lonely since Emma ...

"HOLY FREAKING HELL!" she shouted suddenly. "YOU DID BRING THEM HERE!"

Bugger. Looked like the jig was up.

"It.. it's not what you think..." I stuttered, hoping that maybe they would take pity on a shy girl.

Tattletales eyes widened. "You have got to be freaking kidding me."

The whole gang watched with bated breath. "What is it Tattletale? TELL USSSSs," they begged. Even Shadow Stalker. Maybe she would be my friend?

Tattletale nodded, stroking an imaginary goatee.

"Well," she began, "you see, I first thought something was odd when I realised that Skitter was pretending to be shy. Very strange, I thought."

Vista nodded enthusiastically, watching Tattletale pace back and forth. It _was_ strange to pretend to be shy!

"So then, I thought, who would do that?" TT directed the question to the room. For some reason I decided to think of her as TT from now on.

KW raised his arm, swinging it around in the air.

TT rolled her eyes, tut-tutting. "Anyone other than KW?" she asked, apparently having picked up my penchant for abbreviation. Everyone else shuffled around and looked away, hoping to not be called on to answer.

"Fine," she relented with a long-suffering sigh. "KW, tell us."

He wriggled excitedly on the floor. "SPACE MONSTERS!" he shouted gleefully.

TT looked a little shocked that he had got it right. She tossed him a treat.

"That is a good answer. Of course, only a space monster would pretend to be a shy girl. But then the question is, why would a space monster pretend to be a shy girl?"

She paused in front of me.

"My next clue came when I paused in front of Skitter, after asking a question about space monsters," she began. "Her complete lack of response could only suggest one thing." She ignored KW waving his hand in the air. "She was here to rewrite history to prevent a horrible calamity where our protectors and saviours, S the golden man and E the perfect woman, decided to kill everyone so they could have babies, or something. Their motivations were confusing."

Well ... that hardly needed a Thinker to work out. I was rapidly losing patience.

TT gasped, then resumed pacing. "The final piece of the puzzle really only fell into place when Skitter lost patience with me for expositing. Apparently, she had picked that up from S's girlfriend when she leapt back through time, and crashed into her in interplanetary space in an attempt to prevent the end of the world!"

She turned around on me, throwing out her finger in a very aggressive manner. "OR SHOULD I CALL YOU KHEPRABBADON?" she accused accusingly.

My world was falling to pieces. There really only was one thing for it. I _changed_, growing into a Norn Queen with 3 Swarmlord bodyguards in front of their eyes. I definitely needed more than one, because they were fast but a bit squishy.

I chuckled, a rich rolling sound from deep within my massive carapace.

"Very good Tattletale, very good. It is true, I came here to fix everything. But I don't think I can let you go now that you worked it out."

Tattletale and the rest of the gang all smiled happily at that.

"Oh, don't worry about that, silly," she said with a wink. "We are all tyranids too, see!"

With that they all peeled off their skin, revealing cute pointy teeth and shiny claws. Except for Grue, who was a disgusting ripper swarm.

I don't even know how I had missed it before, especially considering I had given birth to them and had a permanent psychic connection to them all.

Yes.

It was all falling into place.

Unfortunately it was at that exact moment that BB returned from the dead, shedding his Stranger 12 powers and cackling maniacally, lighting arcing between his telekinetic claws. I could tell he wasn't about to hold back, despite his training and previously all-round good guy personality.

I don't think he wanted to be my friend.

We all rushed forward, and the battle for the Earth was joined.


	4. Chapter 4

AN: So, this one makes a little more sense. Sort of.

After the bank attack (scene 2.6), someone on the SpaceBattles forums complained that the flying wards didn't go get help. I had tried to make it clear in the story that they tried, but couldn't reach anyone in a timely fashion with all communication systems down.

The ensuing debate led to this. A divergent AU exploring what would have happened _if_ the various Mover rated capes put finding help above helping in the bank. Not-canon, but not not-canon either. Word-of-god on what would have happened, apart from everything in this snippet!

I _think_ that makes sense.

ps. The last line relates to my signature at SpaceBattles, which is something of a running joke. Don't worry about it, it isn't very funny.

**Argu-omake**

"So let me get this straight. You were pinned down, with a confirmed Ward fatality, facing a close-combat oriented enemy, and you decided to use your only high end combat specialists to play messenger-boys?"

Director Piggot was incandescent with anger, literally. She looked like she was about to pop something.

"I take full responsibility Sir," Aegis said, eyes fixed on the wall behind her.

She looked up at the three of them incredulously. "You take full responsibility?"

He nodded. "Yes sir."

She sighed, reaching into her desk. Before anyone could move she pulled out a handgun and shot Aegis in the head.

"Please don't do that," he reproached.

"You take _full responsibility_?!" she screamed. "For 12 fatalities? 8 of which were teenaged capes, 5 of which were Wards? One of which was_ a thirteen year old girl_?"

He didn't really have anything to say to that. The blood oozing from his ruined right eye looked like tears.

"Fine. So what did this responsibility entail then? What was your big plan?"

His jaw clenched under his full face mask.

"Radios were down sir. We needed to get help and warn the PRT squads that were deploying to check on us."

Piggot screamed into the air, then emptied her clip into his chest. 11 shots. Glory Girl and Shadow Stalker flinched away from the spray of blood.

She reached into her desk and withdrew a fresh magazine.

"Did any of you know why the radios were down?"

They all shook their heads.

"Did you know how far it extended?"

More shaking.

"Did you re-evaluate the plan to call for help at any point?"

Aegis nodded.

"Yes sir. When the radios didn't start working after a few blocks I assumed the blackout was widespread. So I flew to the Rig."

The director slapped the magazine into the smoking pistol. "You flew 3 miles to warn the PRT squads?"

He nodded. She blasted him in the kneecap, and he dropped to the floor.

"To warn the _professionally trained adult soldiers to be careful_? While _teenagers_ were dying?" she erupted. He writhed on the floor.

She swung her gaze to the remaining Ward.

"_You_. Tell me what you did," she spat. She clearly _hated_ Shadow Stalker.

"Aegis said to get help, because I could get past them without getting hurt. So I ran as fast as I could."

"Where?"

"Well, i couldn't reach the rig so I tried to find a phone. They were all down."

Piggot reached into her desk and pulled out a tazer. "And?"

Shadow Stalker gulped. Electricity was her one weakness, apart from claws!

"Well, I thought maybe I could email an alert in."

"So you went ..."

"To school, sir. Computers weren't working."

The tazer sparked, electricity arcing into Sophia's chest. She collapsed bonelessly to the ground.

"And you?" the director said, turning her glare to the golden girl of New Wave. Victoria wondered whether the director might have a fear aura too.

"I dropped of my sister at home and tried to get New Wave to help."

Piggot's face smoothed out. "OK, that isn't a bad idea. Actual heroes who could make a difference. What happened?"

"Well, ma'am, they weren't at home. Or the office. Or the beach-house. Or the theatre."

Piggot screamed again in fury, and fired repeatedly into the invulnerable teen.

The second shot blew a hole in Glory Girl's shoulder. Piggot looked down at her on the floor in surprise. "Hmm," she thought. "Pretty big weakness for a flying brick, when you think about it. Kinda surprised no-one had noticed before."

Tattletale's corpse laughed mirthlessly.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: OK, last of the currently written omakes here. This one ... is something. For sure.

My favourite, by a large margin to be honest. But if my feedback elsewhere was anything to go by ... it hurts. If I have any advice, don't try to understand it, just go with it.

Temporally right after Skitter leaves the vault with Shadow Stalker, chased by the cult. Conceptually built around any number of weird ideas and guesses thrown around on the SpaceBattles forums. Surprisingly _less bizarre_ than it was intended to be. Remember that after you read it - I was being sensible.

Let's just say the (Aronofsky's) Black Swan crossover part didn't make it into the snip.

**Omake 3**

**Bring it o(n)make!**

The door at the top of the stairway exploded. The monsters poured through the wreckage, harried by a gigantic swarm of bugs that reached upwards and spread out like a giant hand, blackening the city skyline. They crashed down across our enemies like a tidal wave, and I felt several of them stumble or fall.

I leapt across the roof and kept running, but just as I reached the far side something made me turn. The monsters that were still standing launched from the sea of insects, soaring across the gap between the buildings. And falling short.

I don't care how tough they were, a fall from four stories was going to hurt.

I walked back towards the edge. I had to confirm it for myself, that these deadly monsters had somehow turned into lemmings and leapt to their death.

Just before I reached the end of the building I stopped. My bugs felt it first, the rumbling, but soon it strengthened to shake the very roof under my feet.

_Something_ burst over the edge of the roof. It was a giant pincer, at least six feet across. Made of monsters.

Like, the monsters were holding onto each other like the toys from a Barrel of Monkeys, arms wrapped around the legs of the one in front, forming the shape of an oversized crab's claw.

...

...

Ooooooookaay?

The wall collapsed partially under the claw, and a second massive limb struck the roof a dozen feet away.  
A head crested the wall. Again, made of interconnected mutants.

Inside the head I could make out a man in a black bodysuit, seated on a chair of monsters. In each hand was a vertically orientated forearm and claw, which he seemed to be using like joysticks. He pushed the arms forward, and the monster lifted itself fully into view.

It was enormous, easily 15 metres tall, probably 50 tons. Six limbs in total, giant claws tipping the front two, it looked vaguely insectile in shape. Well, insectile if insects were entirely composed of swarms of smaller insect-like things.

In fact, how the hell were there enough monsters to make this thing? There were a dozen following me tops. The thing screamed, the voices of thousands of monsters in unison still for some reason sounding like a single man.

"LADY SKITTER!" it shouted. "A PLEASURE TO FINALLY MEET YOU!"

I froze. It knew who I was. I asked the obvious question.

"Whathafunk?"

"I'M DISAPPOINTED MY LADY," he boomed. "A QUEEN SHOULD RECOGNISE HER VIZIER, HER HIGH PRIEST, HER HIEROPHANT!"

I stood slack jawed, shaking my head in disbelief. I had seen some weird shit in the last week or so, but this was up there. Top three at least. Shadow Stalker was still the undisputed champion though, Sophia a close second.

The monster-composite slumped a little. "I SEE YOU REMEMBER NOTHING." It raised a claw, looking at its giant wristwatch. "BUT THERE IS SO LITTLE TIME. IT SEEMS I WILL HAVE TO MAKE YOU REMEMBER!"

The thing barreled forward, heavy pincers reaching.

_Finally_, it was doing something I could understand.

I darted to the side, evading the massive blow. It struck the roof instead, which caved in behind me. I pushed and ran, outpacing the crumbling concrete, even dancing across the heavy pieces of cement as they fell. It was pretty badass. I reached the edge of the roof and leapt, soaring into the void above the road.

So he wants to play does he? I thought. Well, that gives me an idea.

The ground boiled beneath me as a dark tide swarmed into the street. The bugs began piling up, giant pillars of them reaching upwards.

I had picked up a great deal of speed, falling from four stories up, but they caught me with the soft hands of an outfielder. I settled into my throne of insects, and the swarm congealed, surging upwards. Millions upon millions of bugs connected and compacted, standing erect as a massive armoured humanoid, 30 feet tall.

The enemy dropped to the street in front of me, shattering the asphalt underneath its weight. How the hell did it hold itself upright when its legs ended in sharp points anyway? Anything that heavy standing on such a tiny cross section should just sink into the ground, right?

"MY QUEEN," the bizarre thing roared. "I SEE YOU REMEMBER."

I exerted my will, and my bug titan swung its arm forward, pointing at the enemy with righteous anger. I spoke, and my swarm carried my words with the voice of millions.

"Y_OU NAME YOURSELF MY SERVANT, YET YOU DARE ATTACK ME_?"

Hang on, why was I talking like a LARPer? His schtick was infective.

My enemy slumped to the side, one pincer raised to what passed for the thing's forehead. "YOU WOUND ME MY QUEEN. IF I COULD BUT CHOOSE ANOTHER PATH. ALAS, THERE IS NO TIME."

I stomped my left foot onto the street in anger, my bugs hardening to withstand the blow, because bugs work like that. The ground shook with my fury.

"_TIME? YOU KEEP SAYING THAT. TIME FOR WHAT?_" I shouted.

Despite the distance between us, despite his blank full face mask obscuring all his feature, I saw him smile. The crustacean borganism bowed low and extended a pincer, big claw turned up to the sky.

"WHY, MY LADY. TIME TO DANCE."

* * *

We staggered back as if struck, rocked by the sheer audacity of the statement.

I shook my head, regrouping. He wants to dance does he?

The heavy mask of my bug-titan's head dropped down, a steely glare in its visor. I was momentarily blinded by the lack of light, but then the red, green and blue phosphorescent bugs switched on and I could see again, the panorama of the battlefield displayed in front of me.

Various HUD indicators flashed across the living screen, highlighting key tactical options as the multitude of compound eyes directed outwards relayed information to my display insects.

Because bugs work like that.

At my mental command my revenant reached into its thigh, driving fingers deep into the swarm. It grasped a handle and threw out its arm with a flourish, gigantic black revolver aimed directly at this thing that called itself my servant.

"_YOU WANT TO DANCE?_" I cried. "_THEN DANCE, MONKEY._"

The heavy firing pin slammed forwards, the constituent rhinoceros beetles gleaming darkly. The chamber contricted, cords of centipedes squeezing inwards in a travelling wave. The projectile burst from the barrel of the gun with a sharp crack, a fuzzy blur of black and orange slicing through the air with an angry hum.

My enemy leapt back in shock, spindly legs skittering across the ground and the bullet of bees bored into the bitumen, belatedly breaking into bits a full five feet below the blacktop. It was still buzzing.

Unencumbered by physical control interfaces I was free to pose and yell silly attack names to my heart's content, hidden from view. It was like all of the benefits of a full face mask without the drawbacks.

"Bee Blaster Bombardment!" I screamed, sighting at the agile alien-crab currently trying to scuttle up the side of a building, completely defying the inadequate structural strength of the adjacent facade. Even if I understood _how_ it was climbing up the walls (Van Der Waals forces, I had been reading up), it just made no sense that a 50 ton monster could cantilever off a single brick frontage.

My weapon tore six foot wide holes in the flimsy walls, further weakening the structure until finally it collapsed and the "Hierophant" dropped to the street on its back, limbs flailing in the air. I lined up the final shot, knowing there was no way for the black-suited man to avoid it.

The jarring _CLICK_ of the weapon dry-firing set my teeth on edge. I was out of ammo!

As I fumbled for more of the two hundred pound bee bullets in my belt pouch the composite monster flipped itself up and scurried across the ground in a flash, slinking under a low carport. I could barely see it, there must have been a year's worth of junk under there. I bet someone was wondering where all those odds and ends were.

It only made my job harder, because I didn't have anything to aim at.

I raised my head to the sky and I screamed.

* * *

Nearby a young bully shuddered. _That_ was the scream of a predator. Who had she been kidding?

She fell nervelessly to the street.

* * *

Underground a dying girl shivered, reaching out. Those she had here were too close, smothering her, and far away she could hear the frustration and disappointment of one she wanted near.

All but three in the vault dropped like stones.

* * *

She soared above the city, suit reaching Mach 3. Even going that fast she didn't know if she could make it in time.

Despite the wind, despite the sheer speed, she heard it. A cry for help, rage at being restrained. A scream for freedom.

The hypersonic metal beast tore through an office building as it fell, leaving a trail of devastation in its wake.

* * *

The ground rumbled as the carport lifted. _It_ was growing. Either the man in black had found more allies, or he was somehow spawning them.

"MY QUEEN," he screamed. "THE HOUR IS NIGH. WE MUST LEAVE, HE WAITS FOR YOUR HAND."

Urggh. I had no idea who "he" was, but I was pretty sure if he thought it was cool to send someone like this to retrieve his "queen", I wasn't interested.

I aimed my reloaded revolver, bee armament fizzing angrily in the chambers, stingers all pointing forward in anticipation. It was a definite uphill angle I was firing on now, the thing was probably double the height of my avatar, and there were only so many bugs I could use. My gun looked like a toy in comparison.

Sure enough my shots were slashed from the air by its claws, dismissively brushing aside projectiles that could have bust tanks into pieces. It towered over me, a mad gleam in the monsters that made up its eye.

"I AM AFRAID WE HAVE TARRIED LONG ENOUGH MY LADY," it boomed, sounding honestly disappointed. "I MUST ASK YOU COME WITH ME."

I needed _something_, I couldn't fight it like this. More size, more strength, more power.

The ground rumbled and erupted, rock and dirt spaghettifying and contorting. Whole trees and cars twisted outrageously to form limbs of wood and steel, the air itself appeared to fold inwards and solidify into a heavy blade and shield of howling wind. The construct brandished them with barely controlled aggression.

In the middle floated a young girl, barely visible through the distortions, eyes glowing with an unholy green light.

"I'M HERE SKITTER," she intoned, the voice echoing strangely. A familar voice. Vista?

A nearby building erupted in darkness, a blur scythed through the air faster than I could follow, even with my heightened senses and advanced insect-based computer systems. Wherever the smudge passed heavy gouges tore into the ground, trees bisected, cars shredded.

The darkness came to a stop, solidifying into the form of a dark-clothed teenage girl riding between the shoulderblades of an enormous housecat, apparently made entirely of shadows. The beast's tail twitched back and forth, black pupils dilated crazily on a background of black irises, razorsharp claws of inky blackness mincing through metal and stone. Every instinct in me named this thing a true predator.

Shadow Stalker waved jauntily from atop her mount.

The street lights shattered, electricty sparking and flashing as the very cables and wires themselves lifted from the ground, twining and cording into bizarre musculature. A draconic head rose up on a sinuous body of writhing copper, speaking with the voice of a thousand telephones.

"I'M FREE," Dragon said in wonder.

My enemy stepped backwards, and the newcomers all stepped between us. Vista held up a tiny hand, and shouted, voice amplified by twisting whorls of rippling space.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS," she promised, the others nodding.

My friends. My army. _Mine_.

It was time to dance.

* * *

AN: so you will probably be relieved, no more of this for now. I will be back into a normal writing schedule in a little over a week. More omakes will be written at some point, but the main story is more important.

Thanks for the reviews so far, even if most of them are just telling me I blew some fuses. There is a ... satisfaction ... in being able to make _fanfiction_ readers a little weirded out.


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